Courtesy of Explicitgamer.com
Video games are awesome, but you know what’s better? Having a t-shirt of yourself giving the thumbs up and wearing it 6 days of the week (you’ve got to wash it once you know). Something else male gamers as simple-minded as myself tend to enjoy is another aspect of life aside from our virtual entertainment, and that’s the enigmatic and sometimes intimidating female creatures. Everyone has their own distinctive way of approaching the opposite gender. Like me for instance, I like to let them know that I am royalty on another planet and my favorite food is red. This tactic has a 2% success rate based on statistics I made up because whenever I actually see a girl I tend to grunt like monkey and sprint in the opposite direction.
I feel other gamers have the same problem when approaching ladies, so I figured who better to ask than the video game characters we idolize. I decided to interview a handful of strong male protagonists to see what their “smooth moves” were. All interviews obviously took place in my head considering they are fictional characters and I have no friends.
Nathan Drake (Uncharted series): “Girls really like a good bullet sponge. You never know when you’re going to be on a date and when a relevant plot point pops up an army of mercenaries just happen to spawn after an explosion right before you go in for a kiss. These moments tend to turn into an escort mission because Nathan Drake doesn’t do co-op, also he refers to himself in the third person. In a relationship that’s built off of age-old action movie cliches you want to show her that you can take an obscene amount of bullets and as long as you take cover for a few seconds when the world magically turns into black and white. Chicks really dig that, also half tuck your shirt.”
Kratos (God of War series): “A woman can really appreciate a man who’s in touch with his feelings. They want a guy that can remind her she’s beautiful even when she’s wearing sweatpants and her hair’s messy. They like a guy that isn’t afraid to write poetry, or cry in front of her when he’s having a rough week. Also, they like a man who knows when to walk away from a fight, because it takes the bigger man to realize violence isn’t the answer to everything.”
Marcus Fenix (Gears of War series): “Fucking shit…”
Captain Price (Call of Duty – Modern Warfare series): “Girls appreciate a man’s man, which can be measured in only one way, handlebar mustache. A handlebar mustache is the epitome of manliness, with just a dash of more manliness sprinkled on top. A handlebar mustache tells people that I am cultured, but if you ask me about my feelings I’ll punch you in the face.”
Cloud (Final Fantasy 7): “Let’s not beat around the bush (pun intended) it’s all about the size of the sword, enough said.”
There you have it, some positive words of encouragement from some of gaming’s best heroes. Now get out there gamers and go put some of this good advice to the test on the streets, the bars, or a knife store (wherever you meet women, I’m not judging!)
