Cinco de Mayo has nothing to do with the good ‘ol You Ess of Ay but we still celebrate it anyway. Hate us or love us we don’t discriminate when it comes to holidays. If there’s a reason to act rowdy and consume alcohol, we’re there and probably six beers deep by the time you show up. Several reasons to celebrate are

1. You Can Learn Some History

For those who are too lazy to go to wikipedia.com, “The holiday commemorates the Mexican army’s unlikely victory over French forces at the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862, under the leadership of Mexican General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín.” An unlikely victory you say? I’ll drink to that!

2. Hispanic Parties Have Mucho Tequila and Corona

See what I did there? Mucho = a lot. Anyhow, I don’t personally like either but then again there’s people who eat deep fried twinkies and get off on the sound of train whistles. Plus if you know the host/someone at the party, you can get your fill of alcohol para gratis. That means for free.

3. Hispanic Parties Have Lots of Women

Hispanic women are beautiful, plain and simple. Of course there are some eyesores but when you look past that (i.e. not at them) all the pretty ones seem to just pop up. Hispanic women are also aggressive which adds to the sexiness, but don’t get too hands on with them or you’ll get your ass kicked, most likely by her as well.

4. It’s a Holiday

I couldn’t think of any more Hispanic/Mexican related things for the list, so let’s be real here. Any excuse to drink publicly/with friends is good enough for us, so quit being a sourpuss and finish that cerveza! That means beer in Spanish.

5. It’s Cinco de Mayo

I had to come up with at least five things, it being CINCO de Mayo after-all. If the above four reasons aren’t enough for you to crack a bottle, then just go home and go to sleep. Plus if it’s a themed party you can wear an over-sized sombrero and bullets like Pancho Villa, and not look like a tool.

Be safe this Cinco de Mayo. What? You’re not going to celebrate it you say? Que ridiculo!

It’s not even Summer and already shit is hitting the fan in the year 2010. In particular Golf’s greatest asset, Tiger Woods, came under fire for having an affair. All I can say is watch that episode of South Park, because they hit the nail on the head perfectly. You mean to tell me…that when a man’s rich and famous he’ll use these things to have sex with as many women as possible?! Genius. Here’s some things he’s taught us already.

SEXTING CAN BE USED AGAINST GUYS TOO

I haven’t received any sext messages sadly, but just like possession of crack or a loaded firearm, they’re dangerous. Tiger should’ve dumped all the pics onto his computer, or if he was real smart he would’ve just not gotten caught. But hey everyone makes mistakes.

DON’T CHEAT IF YOUR GIRL KNOWS HOW TO SWING A CLUB

Men use Golf as an excuse to get away from their significant others, but when they can drive a ball just as far/farther than you, it’s time to re-evaluate your life. Mr. Woods may be Golf’s greatest, but he should’ve opted for a woman who thought a Birdie was just that.

GIRLS HAVE BIG MOUTHS

This one is pretty obvious too. Sorry ladies, but if you have a secret you’d literally have to be killed before you tell it to as many people as possible. I can easily picture a girl saying “Oh and I shouldn’t even be saying this but..” If you shouldn’t be saying it, then why are you yappin’? We’re looking at you Jaimee Grubbs.

DENY UNTIL YOU DIE

If you did something wrong and no one caught you, would you admit to doing it? Well I do hear that if you murder someone sometimes you feel so guilty you have to tell someone, but this is different. Even though there was evidence of his affairs, so maybe this isn’t a good lesson. Well no, it is. Deny it. And have affairs with women who will be discreet.

DON’T GET CAUGHT

M i rite? If you’re going to do some dirt, make sure you’ve got all your bases covered. It doesn’t mean much to the common folk like you and I, but for a celebrity (and as we’ve seen) scandals like this can make or break your life. Probably not for Woods though, he’s going to be in the Masters and he’s probably going to destroy everyone else. He may not be the greatest ever, but his stats speak for themselves.

Well gentleman, I’m up for a round of mini putt putt. Who’s got the Arnold Palmer? I’ve got the sweater vests and dozen mistresses.

Spring Break is a time for all of us to kick back relax and let loose. School’s had us locked up for too long! Time to get out there and party! Fortunately and unfortunately, there are just some things you can’t avoid…

1. Getting Wasted

I mean let’s be real here. It’s Spring Break. If you DON’T get completely destroyed during Spring Break you’re obviously not relaxing at your full potential. Whether it be beer liquor or some other concoction that was brewed in a basement, Spring Break is open season on our livers. But then again so is every holiday.

2. Getting Baked

Pretty much the same thing as number one, but applies to marijuana. My first spring break freshman year of college, I was taking a piss and a guy walked up to me and literally put a lit joint in my mouth. While I thanked him and we got high, I probably should have asked him did he wash his hands. Or if the joint was laced with anything but hey, I’m still alive.

3. Run Ins With the Law

If you’re well versed in the art of drinking and smoking (especially in public places) expect to have a conversation with your “friendly” neighborhood police officers. Cops live for vacations for the public because 9 times out of 10 on any given day you can see some poor bastard getting handcuffed, albeit he’s not wearing any pants.

4. Getting Laid

For the scores of men that were successful, congratulations. For the ones that weren’t, keep trying. Girls want to get busy as much as guys do, and when the final class lets out of school inhibitions are a thing of the past. Maybe just for that week, but everyone wants to get lucky.

5. A Hangover

There isn’t much of an explanation to this one. Sunny weather + alcohol + drugs + no homework = a monster headache the next morning. Remember kids, moderation is key!

While Spring Break only comes around once a year, it’s a magical and special time for everyone who doesn’t have a job/college kids. Cherish it, because when we graduate it’s work work work.

Lets face it; college isn’t all sunshine and buttercups (or easy drunk girls and endless amounts of drugs if you don’t like sunshine or flowers). There are things and life lessons you learn in college that you won’t learn anywhere else. There are always the guys and girls that you will find in every class, but sometimes it’s being surrounded by these people that drive you nuts! Unfortunately in order to learn these things you will be subjected to never ending occurrences and scenarios that will drive you insane. Being a junior in college myself  here’s a list (in no particular order) of things in college that will annoy the living hell out of you. Number one is the only exception to the “no particular order” phrase.

NUMBER 10: THE KID WHO THINKS HE’S IN HIGH SCHOOL (THE IMMATURE FLOOR MATE)

No matter how late you got to bed last night or how early your early classes are, this kid still manages to pump out practical jokes at any hour. Sure the first few times are funny, hilarious even. But while you’re studying for a History of English Language exam he’s in the dorm hallway rigging another trap for you to fall in. What’s so annoying about this kid is not only does he act like a high school freshmen, but he can’t take what he dishes out. If you so much as airhorn him while he’s asleep or follow a statement he’s belted out with a “thats what she said!” you’ll be sure to receive a maelstrom of whining and uncalled for rage and surely retaliation in the form or crumpled up Cheez Its in your bed. The best way to deal with him is to punch him in the nuts when he pranks you or just ignore him altogether.  He will go away eventually, or grow up.

NUMBER 9: THE R.A WHO TAKES THEIR JOB TOO SERIOUSLY

If this person so much as catches a whiff of alcohol or marijuana, consider yourself F’ed in the A.  Just like when your parents didn’t believe you when you said it about your teachers, this individual has it out for you. They’ll make sure to make campus life as drab and boring as possible, especially for you. What’s most annoying about this person is that when they do catch you in the act they scold and reprimand you like it ISN’T  normal to find a hallway littered with empty liquor bottles, beer can pyramids, and a dirty bong just sitting in the bathroom because you forgot to clean it. I thought we all went to college to learn how to drink, score with women and (somewhere in those four years) get an education? Not when this R.A. is on duty.

NUMBER 8: THE GUY WHO CANT HOLD HIS LIQUOR

This specimen can come in two forms.; a real douchebag bro type of guy who claims he can drink anyone from you to Dionysus under the table, and the quiet guy no one hears a word out of until he’s had three shots of the good ol’ Captain.  There is no need to explain the differences between these men because they have one thing in common; they cant drink for shit.  This usually results in them pretending to be way more drunk than they really are (which is hilarious because then you and your drunk buddies can make fun of him), or getting way too drunk and vomiting on something or someone. Then you can still make fun of them because hey, if you cant hold your liquor you deserve to be made fun of.

NUMBER 7: THE ONE UPPER

You can find a one upper at any social gathering, but college is where the one upper is can let his “Im an asshole” flag really fly. This man has made it his duty to let you and everyone know that you’re better than him. You’ve banged three girls? Well he’s banged six and a half. You don’t care about the War in Iraq? Well screw you champ, because he cares even less. The best/worst/most annoying part about this guys demeanor is that in any (read: ANY) conversation you’re having that he can hear, he will find some crack in your defense, any chip in your armor to make you look like an idiot, and him look like Javier Bardem in No Country For Old Men (which in case you havent seen it, a badass).

NUMBER 6: THE PIG PEN

He isnt annoying because he’s mean or grouchy; most men should be ornery and irate or else you have a chemical imbalance. He’s annoying simply because the dry paint on your walls was once wetter than his washcloth or shower shoes will ever be. You have to breath out of your mouth and risk looking like a moron just to be in the same room as this guy. What’s even worse about him is when you try to call him out on it and he denies it or for the real kicker blames it on you. God forbid if you have to (like me when I was a freshman) room with this kid. Not only does he smell,  but his side of the room looks like the battlefield from the first scene in Gladiator. Either that or he’ll just spill ice cream on the floor and fall asleep without cleaning it up.

NUMBER 5: THE PROFESSOR WHO GIVES TOO MUCH HOMEWORK

Yes we all have had these instructors in all levels of schooling, but college is where it’s the worst. It’s like they have nothing better to do, so they drop ass loads of homework on your plate come Friday or even on Monday just for shits and giggles. This leaves you to a swirling miasma of papers and frequently diving to a textbook to make sure you cited a quote correctly. At the end of the night you lay awake in your bed rehashing all the work you’ve done and pray to whatever God you worship that you didnt forget something. But it’s all in vain, for when their class rolls around again they won’t even check to see if you completed the homework. This leaves you cussing at the professor under you breath for giving you hand cramps and possibly CBing you because of the party you missed because of their homework.

NUMBER 4: THE GIRL WHO THINKS LAST NIGHT WAS MORE THAN IT REALLY WAS

So you’ve had a couple of drinks and you’re feeling loose and confident. You’ve been honing your skills in the art of mackin’ hoes and you land yourself a girl. Regardless of if it was a simple make out session or a trip to your room to “talk somewhere in private” the next day she’s blowing up your cell phone like there’s no tomorrow.  The sheer volume of texts voicemails and facebook messages is making your head hurt. Why can’t she just understand it was a one time thing? You were just looking for something to hook up with, and you landed on her. Yeah it’s her lucky night but dammit why won’t she go away?

NUMBER 3: PUBLIC SAFETY

Campus Patrol; Campus Security; Public Safety. These are some of the clever names used to cover up what this fraternal order of reject cops really is; Nazis. While they do come in handy when shit really does hit the fan (fires bomb threats and such) 90% of their shift is making your life as miserable and dull as possible with the help of the busy body R.A. . Couple that with their power to actually detain you and (if you’re really feeling up to being a martyr for a cause) beating the crap out of you with a mag lite or nightstick Public Safety is a constant thorn in most college guys sides.  While attending school in Connecticut (University of Hartford to be exact) a Public Safety officer tried ticketing me my last day attending the school.  Maybe he didnt know it was my last day but then again the Director of Residential Life did know me by first name. Foul play anyone?

NUMBER 2: THE GIRL WHO CAN’T HOLD HER LIQUOR

Unlike the guy mentioned above this girl only comes in one form; annoying loud drunk bitch. The worst part about her is that few and far between will she NOT be at the same party you’re at. Couple that with the drama she’s had to endure in her oh so turbulent life the past week, and it all comes out after she downs 2 shots of bacardi and a game of beer pong.  What’s even more annoying about her is that when she’s drunk in her mind it’s Carte Blanche to do the most rude of things from spilling stuff on you and not apologizing  to spitting and cussing like a man and generally being a catty annoying bitch. Being a man yourself you cannot do anything to stop her, for raising a hand to a woman is like asking Chuck Norris if he buffs helmets; you just don’t do it. To brave this storm you’ll need a girl who is one of the guys, yet feminine enough to put her in her place. If a wrestling match between the two ensues and clothing is lost do nothing; the College Gods are smiling on you.

NUMBER 1: BEING CB’ED, THE ACT OF CB-ING, AND ANYTHING TO DO WITH CB-ING AT ALL

If you dont know what CBing is, then either you havent had it happen to you (which means you’re incredibly lucky) or you shouldn’t be here. CockBlocking (hence CB) is the basically a crime in which a man or woman will purposefully prevent you from having amorous transaction with a female that night. No one ever accidentally cockblocks someone unless you or they are just really unlucky. What’s most annoying about cockblocking is that no matter how you slice it everyone loses. The only person who wins in these god awful scenarios are the people doing the blocking, but they really don’t win because they are just sourpusses who are mad because they aren’t getting/trying to get any. This ties in with the saying “misery loves company”. If the blocker was rejected by a girl or isn’t getting any action, then no one will.

In your four years of attending higher learning you will encounter these scenarios so often in the first two that you may end up writing an article about it. Wait what?

The best part about guy movies is that it isn’t a genre. Unlike chick flicks guy movies don’t require mushy love stories and a compelling protagonist with obvious problems. Guy movies require three things: action, violence, nudity. Seriously. Humor as well of course, but we find humor in sick things such as dismembered children and elderly people falling.

Wedding Crashers

A movie that spawned memorable quotes, this is every mans dream. You have your normal 9 to 5 but when wedding season hits, you and your BFF (only your BFF will suffice) hit random weddings, looking to get/getting laid. Free alcohol, meet beautiful women, all for free? What else could you ask for? Although I will admit Vince Vaughn was good in this, I really don’t like him being typecasted as the guy who sarcastically complains about everything.

Old School

If you haven’t seen this movie, please do. Old School is the archetype that great guy movies should follow. I mean come on, Vince Vaughn (again), Will Ferrell, Luke Wilson, Jeremy Piven, titties, ass, alcohol…. need I say more? Just go see this movie and hope to God you don’t end up wondering if KFC is open later that night.

Training Day

I know the title says funny, but Training Day can’t be left off the list. There’s rarely any humor in it, save for Denzel Washington constantly ripping Ethan Hawke a new one. What makes it so awesome is that every guy who saw that movie walked out of the theatre with Alonzo’s swagger, just begging for someone to mess with them. You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home? Yeah, I thought so.

The 40 Year Old Virgin

Another great guy movie. Every guy has that one friend (virgin or not) who should just chill out and unwind, and the best way to do it is to get him really, really drunk. This movie embodies what it’s like to be a young adult/ bachelor in this day and age, and also has a good moral at the end of the story: don’t get your chest waxed. Metrosexualism is dead. It shouldn’t have been alive in the first place. It’s not a European Shoulder Bag bitch, it’s a man purse.

The Hangover

An obvious choice, this 2009 comedy left my buddies and I in stitches. Zach Galifianakis pretty much makes the movie but regardless all the debauchery and drunken antics throughout had me laughing my face off. He also made our list for movie weirdos we love. With unexpected appearances from Mike Tyson and Mike Epps, complete with Zach getting sucked off in the end by some woman in the elevator in the credits….hilarity does ensue.

Pineapple Express

A buddy comedy by writing, it kicks exorbitant amounts of ass. Extra ordinary amounts if you were baked out of your mind and saw it, which suffice to say a vast majority of us were. Seth Rogen may act like an asshole most of the movie, but the supporting cast is so outrageous and eccentric he had to be the normal one with his head on straight. James Franco played an awesome pot-head and also made our movie weirdos we love list. Copious amounts of cannabis is consumed throughout with splashes of surprisingly gruesome violence; a perfect combination.

Tropic Thunder

The first time I saw this movie I lost my mind. So over the top and agonizingly funny it has to be seen to be truly believed. Tom Cruise dancing to T-Pain, Robert Downey Jr. playing a black man. Like Old School this is another must see movie.. but then again all the movies on this list are. Tropic Thunder is no exception. More violence and hilarity in this one than most on the list.

Knocked Up

While not as funny as 40 Year Old Virgin and not as..uh, high as Pineapple Express, this film showcases every man’s worst fear with a funny spin on it. But hey, then again I could get a girl pregnant, and then go to Vegas while tripping to make sense of my life.

Superbad

The last Judd Apatow film on this list. I have no beef with the guy, but he’s saturated the market and truth be told there are better/funnier movies that have been released. I put this one on here because Seth and Evan are the basic archetype for every high school kid who isn’t a complete outcast or a complete douchebag. Reminded my friends and I of us when we were younger; underage drinking and constantly trying to get laid.

Pulp Fiction

Yes, it does say funny. But really, one of the best guy movies. It has its funny moments (if you consider Phil LaMarr accidentally getting his head blown to pieces funny) and if you aren’t a complete wet towel than you can agree. More outrageous and over the top action than pretty much all the films on the list.

Eight funny films, two un-funny but equally if not more awesome films. A man’s life isn’t all laughs; sometimes you have to be serious. Sometimes, you have to kill a sucka. But here we’d prefer if you killed them with kindness, or with your awful jokes.

You asked for it…you got it! After we unveiled the five guys you’ll find in every college lecture, we answered your prayers and vuola! May we present five girls you’ll find in every lecture.

1. The Girl Who Does Her Hair/Makeup/Nails

She apparently didn’t have time to do it in her dorm, so she’s doing it in class. I have no problem with girls and their hair, they usually just wear it in a ponytail or out..or whatever it’s called when it’s not tied up. Makeup is pushing it, because you didn’t come to class to look sexy (although my phallus appreciates it). I hate it when girls paint their nails in class, because I can’t stand the smell of nail polish. The smell of glue, now that’s a different story. Huh? Go to the bathroom and do that, God knows they spend ridiculous amounts of time in there anyways.

2. The Girl Who DOESN’T do her Hair/Makeup/Nails

To put it frankly….this girl looks like ass. Her hair is frizzy and all over the place, her eyes still have sleepies in them, and her hands look like she washed them with rocks. 99% of the time she will look awful. The days she doesn’t, you don’t recognize her until you ask like an idiot “did you just transfer to this class?” only to find out it’s been her all along… true story.

3. The Texter

Guys and girls are equally guilty of this, but damn girls make it an art form. The Blackberries are grafted to their hands, and when they type your eyes bleed from the blinding speed they text at. Seems like they’re writing the next all American novel too; the sheer volume of typing they do in class is equivalent to a semesters worth of papers. Ok I might be exaggerating. Or……..am I?

4. The Hot Girl Who Never Does Her Work

You’ve never seen her lift her pen. You see her texting, but you never see her textbook. Yet, she’s still in the class. Is she paying attention? No, she’s idly doodling while you’re cramping your hands trying to take stellar notes. She supremely unconcerned about the class…..which is why she sits next to you. One batting of her eyelash and you automatically give up your notes to her, all slack-jawed and tight pants. I say tight pants because you have an erection, not like, emo kid pants. Gross. You think letting her see your notes will lead to wild parties where you guys hook up because you let her copy your notes. I’ll be frank; you’re wrong.

5. The Girl Who is…..Just a Bitch

No matter what day it is, Earth Day, Valentines Day, The End of Days, she’ll find something to complain about. God forbid if you disagree with her on her complaining, or there will be a clean incision where you head used to be, because she’ll bite it off. At the end of the class you’re left scratching your head honestly wondering what you said to set the rocket off, as she prowls to her next class, and her next victim.

While there are scores of people you’ll find in class these ten are most prominent in my travels. Feel free to leav your own encounters below.

Being in college you paid to get a piece of paper saying you’re qualified to do most things an intelligent Chimp could do. Maybe not Thermodynamics but you get the gist. Unfortunately for some of us college students, there are people in the class who didn’t come there to learn. Class to them is like an annex to their social life. I’ll split this one down the middle, five guys and five gals.

1. The Guy Who Comes To Class To Pick Up Girls

While this isn’t a problem at all, there’s a time for work and there’s a time for play. Seeing as how there’s no classes on Saturdays (unless your schedule/life completely sucks) class is the time for work. However this stud uses class time to try and pick up girls and usually fails miserably because he’s a jackass. I remember one time this kid was trying to impress a girl in our Psychology class. I was going to the bathroom and as I passed him he was like “Hey bro, we got a test today? Will it be hard?” I replied, “not if you studied… did you?” He scoffed and said “what do you think?” and turned to a girl he was chatting up for much needed validation. She gave him none. I ended up banging that girls brains out two days later. That last sentence isn’t true, though I wish it was… she was hot.

2. The Douchebag

By now the term douchebag has been overused and can apply to many types of people. I’m not going to narrow it down; every class has a douchebag. Whether he be a jock, some emo kid or that hipster kid who works on his novel in class while guzzling coffee, there’s always one. He’ll refute 90% of what the professor says with witty and usually arbitrary comebacks and rhetorical questions. Never mind the fact the professor has a Masters or Doctorate in their field, hence why they’re teaching. They don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, right? Am I right? Come on guys back me up here….

3. The Stoney Baloney

I actually heard this term from my Art History professor, who to this day I think gets high as a kite. On a consistent basis. This guy’ll be easy to spot; he’s wearing sunglasses to a 7pm class. Why? His eyes are bloodshot. Either that or he’s just staring into space, or giggling every time your professor says a word that can have more than one meaning. Don’t be too harsh on this guy though, he’s just trying to pass. Truth be told, I’ve gone to a couple of classes blazed out of my mind. I haven’t failed a class yet!

4. The Guy Who Tries to Befriend The Professor

This guy will spend less time trying to learn and more time trying to rub shoulders with the professor in hopes they will pass him when he fails the final. This vexes me. I came to class to learn, not to listen to you try to shoot the breeze with the teacher in the middle of a lecture. As mentioned above, if he spent half the time learning and taking notes he might not feel the need to kiss the teachers ass. Unless she’s hot. I have a couple of hot teachers this semester…I hope one of them are those teachers that screw their students. I’m willing and able, and I won’t snitch.

5. The Guy Who Shows Up…..Once

Good riddance, you’ll never see this fellow again. Well maybe during finals week, as he becomes Guy # 4 and pleads and begs the teacher not to flunk his sorry ass. What’s most mysterious about this guy is not that he doesn’t attend class, but what he does when he’s not in class. Is there something so pressing that you must flush your GPA down the toilet? The world may never know. Maybe he works a lot. Maybe he is a drug trafficker, maybe he is Spider-man.  You never know, my friends.  You never know…

10. He keeps staring at your target; basically saying “my friend wants to lay your tile”

You spent all night proving to the hottest girl on the dance team that she isn’t as cool as she thinks she is and you are indeed the man.  You have her half a drink and one giggle away from dropping her Bebe thong on your floor and like a bat out of hell, she hits the brakes.  “Is that your friend?” You try to brush it off and shift gears, but she insists that he’s a creeper.  Although it has nothing to do with you and your replacement for your right hand for the night, you were just hit with a roadblock.  There is always that one shit-head in the group who gets a kick out of watching you pick up girls.  Come on man…this is college…

9. He refuses to defuse the cock block

You and him have been over it a million times, the wingman always jumps on the grenade. You’ve spun shit into gold for him but apparently it’s one favor he can’t return. Because of him neither of you will be getting laid;  what’s worse is he’ll act like it’s your fault like somehow you fucked up when you give him the evil eye as your potential target and cockblock turn on their heels and walk away.

8. He tries way too hard

Dude! Just keep casual conversation and be there for me.  Why the hell are you talking about sex when she’s telling us about some class.  Simmer down and just go with the flow.

7. He smells

This can go one of two ways. He can either smell too good or too bad. Too good in the sense that he bathed in cologne, enough to choke out a horse. The alternate of course, is supremely worse. You’re hitting it off well with your target, and who knows maybe even your wingman is doing good on his promise. She’s rubbing your leg asking to go back to your place, but cock block pulls her aside and whispers in her ear something to the tune of “his friend smells like a dead fish, so he must too”. Even if you scrubbed yourself raw before going out, your friend’s hygiene habit (or lack thereof) has screwed you. Hard. Harder than your target was going to.

6. He is Inattentive/borderline ADD

If your wingman really does have ADD, then you should play it to your advantage when he goes chasing after a squirrel. Chicks dig guys who can put up with the mentally handicapped, it shows they have patience. Wingmen are supposed to save their pilots (i.e. if they forget a crucial piece of info the wingman should be there to help him out) but an apathetic one can land both of you in the no-vag ranch quicker than you can say any one syllable word.

5. He won’t play ball

He’s just being a poor sport. Either the cock block is too ugly, too fat, breathes out of her mouth… the list of excuses can go on. He seems to forget that the number one rule of being a wingman is support for you, the pilot. He thinks the show is about him tonight, and he’s sadly mistaken. This presents a problem because you want to return the favor by messing up his game when he spots a woman that tickles his fancy. While this is equal payback, two wrongs don’t make a right. Especially if those wrongs lead you to browsing 4tube.com that night.

4. He’s Too Drunk

Yes, being drunk is good. That 7.5 with chunky legs just turned into an 8.9 with a thick body. But when your wingman is too drunk, hilarity and disaster can/will ensue. He takes one too many drinks, and the gloves come off. He may be subjected to being cussed out or even slapped in the face because he just told the cock block her thighs look like cottage cheese. He gets extra points if he manages to vomit on the cock block or your target. The upside of this, is it makes for a great story.

3. He Isn’t Drunk Enough

This comes under the “he won’t play ball” reason. For some reason your wingman won’t drink, or drink enough to loosen up and be a good wingman. He’s being tighter than the vagina you hope your target has, and it spells trouble for you. If the night is young it’s understandable for him not to be smashed, but at least tipsy. Tipsy enough to get the ball rolling.

2. He’s being a menace/creeper

He isn’t leering at your target or the cock block, but he’s just giving off this “I touch children with my tongue” vibe. It could be his body language, or the jokes about rape and necrophilia that only good buddies can laugh about. You look at your wingman crashing and burning, going down in flames, and all you can do is scratch your head and hope that your target hasn’t caught wind of his creepiness. If she has, do yourself both a favor and pay your tab and leave.

1. He Simply Isn’t a Good Wingman

You’ve got your target eating out of the palm of your hand. Your wildly exaggerated stories have her pining over you and wanting your pork sword, but in comes Pvt. Dipshit. He’ll cock block you for his own personal agenda and switch the roles so you become the wingman, and he the pilot. Maybe he wasn’t satisfied with the cock block a.k.a. his target, but that isn’t the point. He is supposed to be there for you, and he isn’t. These types of men are not your friends.

It’s almost February 14th. For some guys, it’s the best day of the year. Spending all day with your girl and guaranteed action. For most of us, it’s the worst. Spending all day with your girl (watching shitty romantic-comedies) and guaranteed action (provided you wine and dine her). Here are some scenarios for us college guys put find ourselves in on or before that fateful day.

1. You settled for a girl you know that wants you so you could get laid

She isn’t in your league. Actually, you’re out of her league. But that didn’t stop you from turning your one night stand into 365 day one. When February 14th rolls around, you’re actually smiling. She pines over you whether or not you put a rock on her finger, and that night she was more than happy you gave her a pearl necklace.

2. You’re deadlocked and upset you need to buy her another gift

It’s been three years, and you still have to buy her gifts? What happened to unconditional love? To her it shows that your love for her is never ending, and so are your pockets. You might want to get out while you can, or just stop buying her gifts. You win your freedom, but lose poon. Choose wisely.

3. You’d rather be alone or with your friends downing your miseries

You’re single. But you aren’t the only one in your group of friends. Maybe one had a recent break up, or just don’t have a special lady in your life. When the 14th rolls around you can be found at the closest watering hole crying into your appletini, you bitch. Maybe that’s why you’re single.

4. You’re looking for a quick-fix on craigslist

Maybe you’re recently single, or she isn’t giving you any action. You hit up craigslist.org, and the last couple of keys you hit on your keyboard spell out “must be disease free” or something along those lines. Hey, we’ve all been there buddy. Those who haven’t are either happy with being single, happy with being whipped, or unhappy but won’t resort to random booty calls on craigslist. Besides, haven’t a couple of people been killed that way? Can’t be too safe nowadays?

5. You somehow wound up on a Valentine’s Day date “as friends”

Why’d you do it?  We have no idea…maybe because you’re not reading our get the girl articles. Anyway, you have a cute friend who had no plans and you thought you’d score yourself some points by asking her out on a date as friends.  You thought: “at least I’ll get a date out of it.” Dumbass!  Enjoy the awkwardness when the check comes…

6. You realized the opportunities…

Millions of girls vulnerable and looking for love or a rebound? Oh, what ever shall you do? This situation tells us that you did read our get the girl articles and we’ll be expecting some awesome success stories in our inbox from you.  Yes, this picture is our very own Campus Casanova.

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If you don’t have a facebook, well congratulations. You still have a soul. For the vast majority of us that DO have a facebook however, there’s always the slew of friends we all have:

1. The Person Who Updates Their Status EVERY.FUCKING.MINUTE.
What’s even better is when they update their status with the same status they had three minutes ago. No one commented on it then, no one’s going to comment on it now. Consider twitter. But then again if you aren’t famous, who gives a flying fuck?

2.  The Couple Who Air Their Dirty Laundry

If you happen to be friends with a couple who break up, it’s like watching a train wreck (or the The Matrix: Revolutions).  Gauntlets are thrown, tempers flare, and you just sit back and watch your live feed become engulfed in petty flames. No point to put them out though, this is quality entertainment. You get to see how low some people will stoop to get the last laugh.

3.  The Guy/GirlWho Refers to Every Social Gathering as a “Shit Show”

This photo was used because it literally is a shit show. On a personal note, this alliterative phrase irks the hell out of me. There was alcohol. Someone threw up. A girl got pissed on (true story; sadly I had to work that night).  We get it.  What’s worse is that the people who use this phrase are common repeat offenders, and a lot of the times several people were at the same party, so you get to look at the same party from six different angles!

4. The Girl/Guy Who Uploads Obscene Amounts of Photos. Every weekend.

This portrait was comprised entirely of dots. The dots are a metaphor for the amount of photos these people have. How they manage to take over one hundred pictures at ONE party is beyond my realm of comprehension and caring. They have (literally) thousands of pictures, and most of them are taken in the same place within five minutes of each other. The worst part about these pictures, is that everyone and their grandma is tagged and it results in your live feed being cluttered and clogged with arbitrary comments and photos that you aren’t in.

5.  The Person Who Constantly Sends You  Farmville Invites

If I didn’t accept your first four invitations, what makes you think I’ll cave in and accept the fifth one? I actually read a report that if you played Farmville and signed a petition for free farmville cash, you were signing a petition against public option healthcare.  Even if you decline the invites, you’re subjected to all those god damn notifications. “(Person you don’t give a fuck about) found a lonely pink (animal) on their farm! Oh No!” No thanks.

6.  The Asshole Who WantsYou To Join a Group So Their Dad Will Stop (some self destructive act)

The only real problem I have with these people is how conceited and selfish they are. You want me to join a group so your DAD will stop smoking/drinking/ killing hookers? How selfish is that? Maybe your dad enjoys lung clogging cancer sticks. Maybe you should stop being such a pussy and clean up his vomit when he passes out from downing Johnny Walker. Maybe you’re lucky your dad is strangling hookers, and not you and your infant brother. The world does not revolve around you, and neither does my emotions.

7.  The Person Who Complains About Politics

For every ten people that agree with you on politics, there are infinitely more who don’t give a fuck. Voicing your opinion is perfectly honest, but when you’re complaining about President Obama’s  current performance in the White House in the form of note so long and detailed a stenographer would off themselves , it’s just insipid. At the end of the day no amount of bashing and pissing and moaning will satisfy you. He is still the President of The U.S.A. You are not. Q.E.D. I will admit though, I am guilty of patronizing Obama. Only because he hasn’t decriminalized marijuana yet, and can you really argue with that? No.

8. The Tough Guy/Girl
Yeah, I bet you are hankerin’ to kick the shit out of that asshole who bumped into you at the bar last night. Sure you’re upset, but do you really need to threaten people on Facebook? Unless you follow through, consider keeping your trap shut.  What’s even better is when you see two people pick at each other on facebook, making wild ass threats and promises to kill someone’s parents or something. Yeah chief, internets. serious business.

9.  The Girl (or God forbid Guy) whoo TalKS LYkkk DIzzzz
In an effort to look hip and stand out, they end up looking like a complete fuckin’ tool. In the time it took U 2 TTTttttyP DIzz, EYe CULd haF- I can’t do it anymore.  It’s a bastardization of 13375p33|< (leetspeek if you dont have mad skillz like me… or a loser) and it’s ten times worse. I can read leetspeek, but this form of typing should cease to exist.

10. The Girl Who’s Too Young For You

God damn, that bitch has some DD’s! You’re browsing through her photos, and you see she likes to get shitty at parties and take slutty ass pictures.  You friend request her and she approves it. Yes! You’re one step closer to hitti- wait what? (local high school) class of 2012? Fuck. Not only is she graduating high school after you graduate from college, but the world may end in 2012 so she’s doubly fucked.

Bonus: The Person Who Uses Facebook For It’s Original Purpose: To Stay In Touch With Friends

This person is awesome because they aren’t a complete dickwad on the computer. They have cool status updates that are usually funny or speak the truth, and they don’t clog your live feed with superfluous bullshit. We wish every friend was like this.

LIKE MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK: CHECK THIS OUT…