Five Guys You Will Find in Every College Lecture

by Jason on February 24, 2010

Being in college you paid to get a piece of paper saying you’re qualified to do most things an intelligent Chimp could do. Maybe not Thermodynamics but you get the gist. Unfortunately for some of us college students, there are people in the class who didn’t come there to learn. Class to them is like an annex to their social life. I’ll split this one down the middle, five guys and five gals.

1. The Guy Who Comes To Class To Pick Up Girls

While this isn’t a problem at all, there’s a time for work and there’s a time for play. Seeing as how there’s no classes on Saturdays (unless your schedule/life completely sucks) class is the time for work. However this stud uses class time to try and pick up girls and usually fails miserably because he’s a jackass. I remember one time this kid was trying to impress a girl in our Psychology class. I was going to the bathroom and as I passed him he was like “Hey bro, we got a test today? Will it be hard?” I replied, “not if you studied… did you?” He scoffed and said “what do you think?” and turned to a girl he was chatting up for much needed validation. She gave him none. I ended up banging that girls brains out two days later. That last sentence isn’t true, though I wish it was… she was hot.

2. The Douchebag

By now the term douchebag has been overused and can apply to many types of people. I’m not going to narrow it down; every class has a douchebag. Whether he be a jock, some emo kid or that hipster kid who works on his novel in class while guzzling coffee, there’s always one. He’ll refute 90% of what the professor says with witty and usually arbitrary comebacks and rhetorical questions. Never mind the fact the professor has a Masters or Doctorate in their field, hence why they’re teaching. They don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, right? Am I right? Come on guys back me up here….

3. The Stoney Baloney

I actually heard this term from my Art History professor, who to this day I think gets high as a kite. On a consistent basis. This guy’ll be easy to spot; he’s wearing sunglasses to a 7pm class. Why? His eyes are bloodshot. Either that or he’s just staring into space, or giggling every time your professor says a word that can have more than one meaning. Don’t be too harsh on this guy though, he’s just trying to pass. Truth be told, I’ve gone to a couple of classes blazed out of my mind. I haven’t failed a class yet!

4. The Guy Who Tries to Befriend The Professor

This guy will spend less time trying to learn and more time trying to rub shoulders with the professor in hopes they will pass him when he fails the final. This vexes me. I came to class to learn, not to listen to you try to shoot the breeze with the teacher in the middle of a lecture. As mentioned above, if he spent half the time learning and taking notes he might not feel the need to kiss the teachers ass. Unless she’s hot. I have a couple of hot teachers this semester…I hope one of them are those teachers that screw their students. I’m willing and able, and I won’t snitch.

5. The Guy Who Shows Up…..Once

Good riddance, you’ll never see this fellow again. Well maybe during finals week, as he becomes Guy # 4 and pleads and begs the teacher not to flunk his sorry ass. What’s most mysterious about this guy is not that he doesn’t attend class, but what he does when he’s not in class. Is there something so pressing that you must flush your GPA down the toilet? The world may never know. Maybe he works a lot. Maybe he is a drug trafficker, maybe he is Spider-man.  You never know, my friends.  You never know…

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