We all do it. Ride without our seatbelt, get road head or smoke a j while driving. Your car is your mobile room, but everything you do in the privacy of our own homes (or others) may not go down so well with the good ol’ boys in blue. Here’s how to prevent from grabbing your ankles in county (aka how not to get arrested).
For this guide to be completely effective, we’re just going to have a worst case scenario. You’re driving with a couple friends on a blunt ride, and you’ve been at it for a while. You see the flash of blue and reds lights and and the headlights homing in on your car. Shit! it’s the cops. You have other contraband in the car and you and your friends panic. Here’s how to handle Office A-Hole
PULL OVER
This should be easy. Unless you drive a Maserati Quattroporte, then open that bitch up and drive! Hope you’ve got some good driving skills because this’ll be on national television. Gun it to Mexico. Just kidding, pull over.
Tell Everyone Politely (or not) to SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Since you’re driving you’re responsible for everyone in the car. Tell them to keep their cool and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should they talk, unless they’re being asked a question by the officer. The hardest part about being pulled over is being nervous, which is completely mental. Just keep your cool however you can.
Make Sure All Contraband is Secure
By secure, we mean out of sight and not within arms reach. The best place for stuff when you aren’t using it is the trunk. You can use the glovebox as well, but this requires that you keep your registration elsewhere in the car. Make a copy and keep it somewhere else. When a cop pulls you over he has a clear view into your car. If there’s anything suspicious looking or blatantly illegal (bongs, pipes, dead hookers) this gives them Probable Cause. This allows them to search, detain, and arrest someone under the suspicion they’re doing something illegal.
Now the officer is approaching the car. If you’ve been smoking, prepare for the ultimate test in maintaining your composure. If you’ve been drinking, you’re a dipshit because you’re getting breathalyzed and arrested. When he approaches your car, he will begin to ask you questions.
OBEY THE OFFICER
Yeah yeah, fuck da police and all that other stuff. See how far that gets you. If the officer asks you a question, answer it. If he asks you for your license and registration, give it to him. He’ll take it back and run the license, which can give you more time to prepare. If it comes back clean, then good. If he asks you to step out of the car you either have a warrant for your arrest (a.k.a. you’re fucked) or he’s suspicious of something. Step out of the car, and keep your cool.
DO NOT CONSENT TO ANY SEARCHES
If the officer asks you any questions that even in the slightest sense remotely sound like him asking to search your car, either stay silent or say “I don’t consent to any searches, officer.” They’ll try to trick you with questions like “is there anything I should know about and do you mind if I search the car?” If you answer no, you just said you don’t mind if he searches your car.
CONTINUALLY EXCUSE YOURSELF
This one is a little tricky. If the officer is pressuring you into slipping up and giving permission to search your car or he’s asking you incriminating questions (don’t answer yes to them), don’t say anything or follow every answer with “am I free to go Officer?” It sounds dumb but when you continually excuse yourself he can either say Yes, or detain you. But if you’ve played your hand right he will have nothing to detain you over.
If the officer lets you go (even with a ticket or a citation) congratulations! You’ve saved your asshole from being pounded by a genoa salami. If you’re getting the handcuffs…. well you better have a good lawyer, bail money, or like braiding hair and wearing lipstick.
