Heads up: This piece of from Playboy’s underrated PlayboyU Channel.
1. Be polite. Smile. Call them officer. Don’t get short.
2. Answer the door yourself. Don’t send your drunken buddies. As soon as you see it’s the police, step outside and close the door behind you. They now have no right to open it without a warrant. Your buddies have their own job to do, i.e., hiding things.
3. Don’t be a jerkass. If the cops are just asking you to turn down the music, say, “Yes, sir” and go do it.
4. Give no information. You have everything to lose and nothing to gain by talking. Be sweet but firm. If you don’t know how to answer, simply ask, “Am I free to go?”
5. Don’t let them inside. They’ll ask to do a “routine inspection.” They’ll say they smell something. Expressly tell them you do not consent to their entering.
6. Stay polite. If you’re off balance, they have the advantage. You may be two fifths into a rage, but shut your mouth, smile and ask if you’re free to go. Even when they ask if you think you’re smart, avoid being clever.
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Some other useful pieces of advice from someone who grew up surrounded by coppers:
- If you are ever arrested, the only thing you should say to the police (other than your name — but only if they ask) is “I want a lawyer.” That’s it. “I want a lawyer” is your response, no matter what they ask you.
Policeman: It’s a nice day today, isn’t it? You: I want a lawyer.
- If you are arrested and a kindhearted police officer offers you a can of Sprite, a cigarette, etc., say no thanks, and for heaven’s sake don’t touch it. You drink the pop, you smoke the cig, now they have your fingerprints and DNA. If you think I’m being paranoid, there have been convictions for murder based on one single hair found on the victim. Yeah.
- If you’re in the car with illegal stuff and the police officer asks if they can search your car, say NO. People think for some reason they have to let the cops search the car. Don’t let them search the car! Make them get a warrant, call the K9, whatever, if they want to bust you that bad, they will. But don’t say “Sure, have a look” and then they find your bag of coke or your .22 on the damn seat. That’s no way to go.
- If you’re carrying illegal stuff around, don’t just stick it in your backpack or satchel. Put it in a briefcase or valise with a lock, because if you get stopped, lock = warrant. The same thing applies to your house: get a locking safe, and put your illicit stuff in there. Remember that song, “99 Problems”? HOVA was correct: if it’s locked, they gonna need a warrant for that. Well, aren’t you sharp as a tack?
- Online communication is the same as anything else. If you sent someone a message on facebook or AIM like “Let’s go buy some meth” or “I want to kill Jerry,” they will admit that in court. Similarly, anything you do online can be extracted by police evidence technicians, so that if you were perusing “how to get away with drug smuggling” on Google, they will find it. If you feel the heat closing in, do yourself a favor and just go all “Office Space” on your computers.
- Don’t jump bail, because whoever posted it for you will lose their shit. If you have $200K bail, and your parents or friends post $20K to get you out, and then you flee to Mexico, they owe the court $200K. Be a man/woman and stand trial, don’t make your loved ones lose their house because you f@#$ed up.
- “Spidey Sense” and “woman’s intuition” are real. They’re the remnants of when we lived on the plains in Africa and could tell that a saber tooth tiger was about to make us brunch. So, if it feels like a set up, then it’s likely a set up; if it feels like a bad idea to be in a certain location, or near a certain person, then it probably IS a bad idea. So get out!
Good night and good luck!