Finals Suck.

They stress you out. Sometimes, they make you feel like you’re an idiot and everybody else is border-line genius. It puts you under pressure and your teacher just sits there, looking at you. Not just looking at you, but that look like they just got the last laugh or know something you don’t.

For most guys, a lot of this runs through our heads during exams. Imagine if we were girls: they freak out and get overwhelmed at the smallest things.

The point is: This is a great opportunity for you to make your move, Casanova. Whether you actually know the material, have to pretend to know the material, or don’t remember the name of the course, exams are ideal for getting close to a girl or two (or three).

PHASE I: ORGANIZE STUDY SESSION/STUDY GROUP

Simply approach girls in the class. Just go up to them and say “Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to get together at the library or something to study for the exam coming up. ” You’ll be shocked by the results and how easily the majority of girls will say yes. 9 times out of 10, the girl will give you her number or ask for yours so you can talk later to decide when to meet up.

PHASE II: FOCUS ON GETTING THE GRADE

Congratulations, you already got her number. When you meet up with her, you need to really focus on getting some studying in. You have her number and now you have her alone or somewhat isolated outside of the classroom. While this is already a pretty sweet deal, you need to stay focused. I definitely recommend cracking jokes here and there to keep her entertained, but don’t overdo it. If you spend the whole time talking and laughing, she’ll be regretting your get-together when the exam is in front of her and she realizes she wasn’t ready for it (thanks to you). Focus on the material and just ask her questions about the material. Be sure to go over old homework, teachers love putting that on exams.

PHASE III: TAKE HER OUT

When the exam is over: You will know for a fact that she either passed or failed (sounds stupid, I know, but keep reading).

If she passed: Act super excited and tell her “That’s it! We need to go celebrate.” Be persistent in making plans to celebrate that she passed. It will fly right under her radar, you sly devil.

If she failed: Act sympathetic and pretend you did well. Pretend you did well: this way it seems like the study session was productive. Cheer her up by saying (with a smirk) “I’m really sorry you didn’t do well…I owe you a drink so you can cheer up or down in your misery.” Pick a date and suggest a nearby place to grab a drink.

You had a girl in your class that you barely talked to and you couldn’t make your move. You ended up getting her number within minutes, got to spend some time alone, and even got a date out of it. If she’s taken or doesn’t seem too receptive…you still end up going out for a drink with a cutie.  What did it cost you? Studying.

Final exams week in college could not be more accurately stereotyped. The weeks upon weeks of procrastination finally have you trapped and stressed out. Students resort to frantic study sessions, note copying, and all nighters in the corner of the library for survival. Today, students have easy access to “study-aids” in the form of coffee, adderall, and energy drinks. While the first two are well utilized, there are some shades of gray with energy drinks.

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ENERGY DRINKS

What’s the story with the energy drinks that over flow the shelves at your local gas stations? Do they help give you another extra edge to study, or do they just burn you out? The purpose of these questions is not to provide some scientific breakdown of the ingredients in energy drinks, or their effect on your health. Rather, it is a recommendation of how to properly use energy drinks to give you the studying advantage, not burn you out.

WHAT’S THE POINT?

The bottom line is that energy drinks, when consumed in moderation can be helpful for short term, major events, such as final exams. Why? Because energy drinks help stimulate and increase brain activity.  Guarana and caffeine are the important stimulant ingredients. Temporary energy jolts can be quite useful for getting several solid hours of studying in. However, the “crash,” you incur when the drink wears off is simply unavoidable.

HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN IT’S THE RIGHT MOMENT?

Timing is everything. Your best bet is to drink a few energy drinks when you begin to crack open your books about three hours before the exam. This will allow you to accomplish several hours of productive studying and take the exam before your energy buzz wears out. After you rocked the exam you will finally be able to recharge the batteries and bring yourself back to neutral. As easy as it sounds you must be careful not to get the energy jolt too early, leaving you groggy come exam time. It is also a good idea to learn your energy drink tolerance before exams week. Too much may leave you with a headache and jitters.

HEALTH EFFECTS

The bad rap energy drinks often get is the result of habitual consumption for the purpose of mental and physical stimulation. A perpetuating cycle of energy drink dependence will interfere with your sleep schedule, create severe exhaustion, or lead to health problems.  There are cases out there of energy drinks leading to heart palpitations and increased chance of heart disease. Like smoking, energy drinks are not the best long-term investment out there.

Energy drinks as a whole are not good for you, but there is a time and a place for everything…. it’s called college. Next time you realize at two in the morning you have an exam in six hours, crack open an energy drink to help get you through the night. Keep in mind you are not in the minority here. Gotta love college.

We’ve all been there.  You didn’t realize how little time was left before finals and you don’t know if you’re going to make it out alive.  There isn’t enough extra credit to give you peace of mind, and those times that you cut class aren’t going to help you either.  You, my friend, are in deep shit.  There is still hope, though.  You’re just going to have to plead for your grade.

Phase I: Office Hours

Professors have office hours.  Going to see a professor during office hours shows that you actually care about the coursework and you are willing to put in extra time to excel in the course.  Therefore, seeing your professor for five minutes after class won’t help the same way that an office visit will.

Phase II:  The Set-Up

When visiting your teacher, you need to keep in mind that progessors have heard every and any excuse.  I assure you, if you visit your professor and give some sappy story, they’ll be able to see right through it.  While you’re in their office, ask some questions about the material because “you have been trying so hard to do well and not getting some of the material is driving you crazy.”  Furthermore, make sure that you express that you like this course and you are trying hard to do well.  I even recommend telling them that you have a tutor because it shows how hard you’re trying to do well.  Take responsibility for bad grades that you’ve had in the past.  Nobody likes excuses, especially a professor that has heard dozens every semester.

Phase III: The Follow-Up

Follow-up with an e-mail AND stop by the professor’s desk after class the next day.  A simple “thanks again for being patient and taking the time to help me” will suffice.  If you are desperate, this is where you would sneak in an excuse like “it’s my fault because I was forced to miss class for work one day and have been playing catch-up ever since.”  In doing all of this, as gay as it sounds, you’re building a small emotional bond with your professor.  You’re not going to be “the kid whose grandfather could have died”, you’re “a good kid, who is responsible and trying very hard”.

Keep in mind: Most professors will not say “I’m going to bump you up because I understand.”  However, I assure you that when they approach your name when it is time to submit finals, your score will be rounded up.  It may be from an F to a D.  Maybe from a D to a C.  The point is, it is up to you to do well in class, but if you’re near the border of effing it up, royally…there is still hope…if you play your cards right.

Course: Philosophy (Metaphysics)

There are a couple of things to take into account for this method. First and foremost, this is only useful for the courses where a professor gives you the essay exam questions beforehand. I know it may sound stupid, but a lot of professors do so. Secondly, you will need to get your hands on an extra exam booklet. Sometimes you’ll find them lying around in a classroom. If not, then when you get one for previous exam, as for an extra booklet “because you need more space.” I showed up to the class and the teacher was pretty laid back. Everybody had study sheets out studying, so I just took out a notebook and looked busy.

Preparation: 10 out of 10

Literally, hours before the test, I received the essay questions for the exam. The teacher gave the essay questions to the class for them to study and bring their A-Game. He actually gave them 5 essay questions to study and they had to choose 3. Therefore, I took the 5 questions and simply wrote down the in-depth answers to all five of the essay questions.

Ease of Read: 10 out of 10

Obviously, there is no ease of read factor here because it is written in regular size and legible. I answered all five questions as I would during a final and I was ready. Plan A was to simply take the booklet the teacher gave me and as he continued to hand them out, I would swap the empty booklet with the full one in my backpack. Plan B was incase he mixed up the questions or the order of them, which is where I would ask for an extra booklet because I had to write a lot, then simply replace one of the empties with the full one I had. From there, I’d have all five answers in front of me and can transfer the information however I wanted. If he asked any questions, I say I made a mistake and scribbled all over the cheat sheet booklet. Regardless of which plan I used, I asked the teacher if there was extra credit if I answered all 5. He said no, but I did it anyway .

Stealth: 9 out of 10

The only reason that this wasn’t a perfect stealth score is that you need to make the switch quick and at the right moment. Even if he turns his head right after, you wouldn’t be caught red handed with a cheat sheet or anything, he’d find you with a test booklet that he just handed out. On top of that, you need to look busy, even though your booklet is already filled out. After the first student finishes, politely walk up and hand in your booklet.

Teacher Awareness: 4 out of 10

The teacher was very laid back and made the process as routine as possible. We showed up and sat down, nobody realized I didn’t belong. He then walked around and gave the exam out. Then sat at his desk the remainder of the time.

Final Consensus: A. As easy and useful as this method is, it would be a blessing to have the circumstances fall in your favor as they did for this exam. However, it happens much more than you’d think. Having a teacher give the essay questions AND getting your hands on a test booklet is a pretty crazy combo to fall into you lap. At the same time, we had four classes as potentials to pull this off at. Luckily, the first time it worked like a charm.

Final Grade: TBD

Course: Statistics

*Note: This method requires use of a graphing calculator. Therefore, if you are going to try to use it in an English class or Philosophy class or any class that requires no math, you are an idiot.*

As asked, I show up for this statistics final and the teacher distributes the exams. As much as I was scared shitless that I didn’t belong there, nobody else seemed to notice.

Preparation: 9 out of 10

I met up with one of the students prior to the exam and took what was on the review sheet. Preparation for this method was so easy. You take a pencil (preferably a # 2 pencil); you take the cover of your calculator, and on the inside of your cover you write down whatever you think you’ll need. There is a decent amount of space on the inside of the calculator cover, which made it easy to fit what was needed.

Ease of Read: 8 out of 10

The lead writing was pretty easy to read. What I did here was I kept the cover on the back of the calculator and whenever I needed to read a formula, I would slide the cover up to read and then slide the cover back down. My only complaint here would be that the lead blends in so well that I had to squint and hold the calculator up close a couple of times.

Stealth: 9 out of 10

The lead writing on the black surface of the calculator will only be visible up close; whereas, a professor looking over your shoulder may even be oblivious. I nearly shit all over my desk when the professor walked right by me, but he just carried on and didn’t notice thing.

Teacher Awareness: 7 out of 10

As a whole, the professor was pretty alert. From time to time, he would patrol the room, while also overseeing us from a podium in the front of all of our desks.

Final Consensus: A-. It was quick and easy to prepare, pretty easy to read, and as subtle as can be. If the teacher got suspicious, I would have smeared the lead with my fingers or erased it to destroy the evidence.

Final Grade: TBD

*Teacher confessions is a two-part interview.  Part I can be seen here.

Honestly, how much time do you spend planning lectures?

Not much at all.  I usually will skim through the given text or pre-made powerpoint and will just discuss whatever highlights are emphasized.  At the same time, if I come up with an idea or topic throughout my day and realize that it is something relevant to the course, I will bring it up for discussion with the class.

Feel free to not answer this, but: Do you ever find yourself attracted to students?

You’re starting to push it, but I promised to be brutally honest.  Of course. Professors are humans, not robots.  The same way that anybody finds someone attractive or someone turns them on, the same happens to a teacher.

Would you ever act on it?

I never have and I always tell myself that I would never.  At the same time, if I met a student that seemed mature enough to handle it and keep their mouth shut, one thing may lead to another.  I have never put myself in that situation.

Do you consider yourself to be a good professor?

It depends what you clarify as good.  Ethically, I could see how my methods would be viewed as questionably.  At the same time, my colleagues and friends who teach have does worse than I have.  In regards to students learning the material, I feel that my students may not leave the course knowing a lot about the course material, but I do always integrate advice on life and adjustments they’ll have to make as they continue to grow-up.

What kind of advice?

Advice on life.  Whether it be how to carry yourself when working in the real world, or how they need to keep themselves presentable at all times.  I keep in general and try to put them on the right path to launch their real professional career, and not the squeaky clean one outlined in the textbooks.

Last question: Do you enjoy teaching?

It’s an easy job when you get there.  Although it doesn’t pay that well, its easy to have another job and there is plenty of off-time.  On top of that, I like to work with people and working with students feels good.  The work that it took to become a teacher is the real pain.

Real last question: Is it honestly hard to become a teacher?

(laughs) There are requirements that you’re supposed to follow.  Getting the right people to like you and knowing the right people is how you can easily skip most of the requirements.  Being an alumni at a campus would probably help your chances, as well.  Traveling to teach makes it even easier at times. Some foreign teachers make an agreement or stipend with a school or university.

Considering that it is time for exams, we thought it would be useful to find a teacher and ask them a couple of questions to get the raw truth of how teachers grade and evaluate their students.  We promised to keep them Anonymous, but made sure to ask as thorough as we could.

*Note:  All professors may not have the same views and values as the professor interviewed below.  However, take note to the mechanics of the mindset of a collegiate professor.*

Well, an Anonymous interview would eliminate any point of an introduction, so let’s get to it.

Please do, before I change my mind.

How long have you been teaching?

You’re already trying to get numbers and facts out of me. What happened to anonymous? I’ve taught undergrad for over five years and will be teaching graduate classes next fall.

When assigning papers to students, do you enforce the format and page requirements?

I make it clear that I want a legitimate paper, but I don’t specify what font and what size and all of the specifics.  If you are a college student, you should know the rights and wrongs of writing a real paper.

Let me be more clear: after saying what you want out of a paper, do you actually check to make sure it’s the right font and font size, etc.

To be honest, I notice the differences if I look at a collection of papers, but I don’t go in-depth.

How do you not go in-depth? Do you not read the entire paper?

I usually have my [graduate assistant] go through the papers.  I write a couple of random comments afterward and write a check or circle a couple of words on some pages.

What if your GA isn’t available?

They better be.  (laughs) If not, I skim a couple of papers and write a few comments here and there.  If you’re trying to ask whether I actually read papers I assign, the answer is no.  What professor has that much time on their hands?

So you’ve never read a full paper from one of your students?

When I started I read a couple. Now, if there is a student that gives me a hard time, I will go through their paper and expand on every error imaginable.  Once in awhile, if there is an interesting topic or a very bright student, you skim through their paper to see if it is anything that interests you.

I knew it! Teachers always did have their favorites.

Of course.  It is human nature, not just a teacher thing.

Does this effect your grading scale at the end of the semester?

Truthfully, it does.  When I’m going through names to submit the final scores, any name that I remember and brings a smile to my face, I’ll give a B+ or higher.  Any students that tried to be a wise-ass or got caught in lies and excuses get B- or lower.

I’m lost. You mean you add an extra grade of that value to their score?

No, I mean that I’ll make that their final score.

What if they did terrible on the exams and papers throughout the course?

Very few professors have time to check and read every paper and every exam and keep record of all of that and also record of attendance.  Especially if teaching multiple classes.  Plain and simple, we remember the obnoxious students and they get an unsatisfactory grade. We remember the bright or charming students, they will get the higher grades, and then the names that I cannot remember, I figure they are either the shy ones or the quiet ones.  If there are a lot of names that I don’t remember, I take a glance at one attendance sheet.  If there are not many, they all get a B.

Course: International Marketing

I was definitely really nervous to cheat on this one. Not because I don’t know shit about International Marketing, but because I have huge ears and wearing a fitted hat makes me look like a dumb ass. Anyway, I walked in this class and sat my ass down. The teacher gave out the exams one at a time and actually asked what my name was. That definitely got me a little paranoid, but I played it off as though I belonged there.

Preparation: 5 out of 10

All you pretty much have to do here is get a small piece of paper and write as small as you can on it or type in the smallest font that you can read. When you are done writing on it, tape the paper to the inside of your cap. In this case, I handwrote some of the key terms that I was given from a student in the class the day before. It was really hard to write small enough to fit everything. Not only that, since you don’t have much space to write…if you made a mistake, it screwed you up. It took a while and I held my pen to write like I was performing plastic surgery. Scared to breathe wrong or twitch because it would screw up the entire cheat sheet. Taping the paper to the inside of the hat was a pain, too. Mainly because the tape didn’t stick to the material so well.

Ease of Read: 2 out of 10

Granted: I do not have the best vision in the world. Still, even astronauts would have a hard time reading this shit. I would recommend bringing a fucking microscope to read because I could hardly read what I wrote without making it obvious. Not only was the writing small, but if the paper was facing me at the wrong angle, I had to adjust it and that make me feel like I was on the verge of being caught.

Stealth: 4 out of 10

No, I did not get caught. However, I felt like an elephant in a room full of China, or whatever the expression is. In order to read the cheat sheet, I had to have the hat propped so that it was as visible as can be. If the teacher patrolled the room, it would have been really difficult to hide the fact that I was cheating without becoming suspicious.

Teacher Awareness: 6 out of 10

I honestly felt like the teacher knew I didn’t belong there. Still, he didn’t give me any shit. In regards to the fact that I was cheating, he just sat at his desk and would randomly say “Keep your eyes on your own paper.” I don’t know if anybody else was cheating, but I do know that teachers usually just say that for scare tactics.

Final Consensus: D. Annoying as hell to write so small on a tiny piece of paper. Damn near squinted myself into becoming an Asian just to read the damn thing. On top of all that, if the teacher were near me, he would’ve probably caught on. Not only that, if you are caught here, there is no way to cover your tracks and conceal/hide the cheat sheet. It is on your hat, facing upward on your desk.

Final Grade: TBD

Course: Communications

This experience sucked as a whole and I write this as I am about to throw up or take a shit on the bathroom outside of the classroom. I hate wearing ties. I felt like I was going to a fucking communion or something. Not only that, there were hot girls in the room and the teacher was hot. I felt like they were all looking at me like “Oh, who is this douche wearing a tie?”

Preparation: 2 out of 10

The idea here was to write on a small piece of paper, cut into a vertical strip. After you write whatever was needed, you wrap the strip of paper around the inner-tag of the tie. The cheat sheet is then on the tie, but on the part of the tie that is facing you; therefore, nobody else would see it, and no cheat sheet would fall to the ground if a teacher asked you to stand up. It was annoying enough to write on that small ass piece of paper. Since I’m a dumb ass, at first I tried writing vertical and got pretty pissed off because I’m not Chinese and the English language is written horizontally. Then, I made another sheet and wised up to writing horizontally on the vertical strip of paper. Measuring, cutting, then taping the paper against the tie was a ridiculous bitch. Aside from just being tedious work, it took a shit ton of tape to keep the paper attached to the tie.

Ease of Read: 1 out of 10

It is hard enough to read small ass writing. On top of that, to have to strategically have the tie resting on your desk with your cheat sheet facing up is a royal bitch. It did make it easier to cover your tracks, though if you just lean back and your tie falls back into place. Nonetheless, having to try to read the small writing, while resting the tie the right way, while scrolling the small roll of cheat sheet was annoying.

Stealth: 1 out of 10

Long story short: I got caught. I probably would have been able to pull it off better if I was calmer and more collected, but seriously…I’m not James Bond. I had the tie a certain way that made it easy to read, and as the teacher made her rounds I would lean back to conceal the cheat sheet. When she returned to her desk, I would put the tie back to “reading position.” I think she caught on to the trend and asked me to come up to the front with my exam. She took the exam and said “thank you, have a nice summer.” She was nice to not flip out, but my heart was in my throat and I just walked out.

Teacher Awareness: 9 out of 10

She patrolled the room, she kept her head up when she was at her desk, she even took attendance. Damn teacher must have been in the CIA before.

Final Consensus: F. A royal pain in the ass all around. The only good thing is that it was easy to conceal if the teacher would get suspicious.

Final Grade: TBD

Course: Finance

*Note: This method requires use of a calculator. This means that this method would only be useful in a class that requires use of a calculator. *

Being a man of my word, I walked in the room and took a desk for this finance class. I felt confident and fine and really didn’t give a shit if I got caught because I wasn’t even a registered student for this class. So I sit down, and right when I make myself comfortable, the teacher starting taking attendance, and just like that I felt my testicles shrink. Luckily, the teacher didn’t notice that I did not belong and I felt a little relieved, but still paranoid.

Preparation: 3 out of 10

I was given a “formula sheet” for the formulas needed on this exam. Still, it was a bitch and a half to write them down. I used the ‘ALPHA’ key on a TI-83 calculator and simply typed in everything that was on the formula sheet and it took forever. On top of that, there is no “next line” button or anything to make matters easier, so I practically had to study the fucking lingo and abbreviations I made up, as well. A serious pain in the ass and got forbid you make a mistake. I made a mistake 3/4 through the entire sheet and pressed clear to go back one space.

Note: Clear cleans the whole mother fucking thing!

Ease of Read: 6 out of 10

As easy and legible as it may be to read typed digital letters on a calculator, I didn’t understand my own coding. The thing is that you can only really type certain characters and not equal signs or some other needed symbols. The hard part wasn’t reading the digital writing, but reading the damn code that I created learning to write the damn thing.

Stealth: 7 out of 10

For the most part, the teacher didn’t notice anything. Occasionally, she would look up at the room from her desk and I would get a little nervous, but I was in good shape. If the teacher was one to patrol the room, then I would have probably been in deeper shit.

Teacher Awareness: 4 out of 10

This lazy ass teacher didn’t do shit. She sat at her desk the whole time, probably grading papers for her other classes. At the same time, whenever she did glance up at the room, my heart would ricochet throughout my ribcage.

Final Consensus: C. It was a bitch and a half to prepare for, I felt like I worked for the government when I had to crack the damn code to understand my own writing in the calculator, and if the teacher would have asked the class to clear their calculators and asked us, I’d be fucked. I highly suggest taking the half-hour that it would take to type in the damn formulas and just use it to crap and study the information instead.

Final Grade: TBD