There are many ways to describe what exactly a fraternity is. The Webster’s English Dictionary defines it as “a group of people associated or formally organized for a common purpose, interest, or pleasure.” Unfortunately this sounds completely and utterly lame, so the hell with Webster and his dumb little “dictionary.” As a people we need to tell this “Webster” retard to screw off and take a long walk off a short pier; but I digress. I like to think of a fraternity as a Greek organization of brothers here to stick with one another through whatever life throws our way during this crazy, hectic, once in a lifetime experience known as “college.” Yeah, I suppose that sounds dramatic enough. With so many colleges incorporating Greek life into their repertoire, there are well over 36,000 active fraternities today in the United States of America (which is very much a legitimate number and not one I just created in my head). While every different fraternity has their own traits and characteristics, there always seem to be similar characters who find their way into the scene of most fraternities. Over the course of the next several hours, you and I will go on part one of a deep, meaningful psychological journey entitled “The Ten  Guys You’ll Find In Every Fraternity.”

The Shifty One

Any solid, well operated fraternity knows that they can trust their brothers with anything. There is, however, always one that always just seems as if they’re up to no good. Something about his mysterious demeanor puts others at a state of caution around him. Perhaps you’ll overhear one of his conversations about how child abduction laws are too strict these days. Maybe he’ll come to the fraternity house at 4 AM beaten up because of a “brush up with the law.” On a Friday night he’ll be in his room drinking RC Cola and watching re-runs of Casper the Friendly Ghost on tv. Regardless of the exact circumstances, he has a slight edge to him which makes him unrelentingly intimidating to other members. In many ways, he’s like a Vietnam Veteran; nobody can quite identify with what he’s been through, so we’ll just leave him to do…whatever it is that he does during the day.

The Lightweight

Oh, the lightweight. Through and through, perhaps among the most entertaining brother in a fraternity. The lightweight is sometimes cognizant of his lack of ability to consume and hold down alcohol, and doesn’t like to brag about his drinking prowess. Then, of course, we reach a separate category of “delusional lightweights.” Particularly unfortunate individuals who think they’re perfectly able to drink and be social at parties, while after one Long Island iced tea their communicating ability tanks to a Terri Schiavo-esque level. “We should really keep more of an eye on him at parties,” you and all of your friends simultaneously think as lightweight buddy proceeds on his 3 cans of Busch Light induced vomiting demonstration.

The Virgin

The one guy in the fraternity who isn’t quite up to par when it comes to approaching the ladies. Maybe they just don’t know how to talk to girls, maybe they’re shy and insecure, perhaps they were touched as a child! Whichever way you want to look at it, socials with sororities are all but a lost cause with this unlucky soul. Even the most deft of wingmen can’t help this bro out. A drunk girl could start talking to him about how she’d like someone to hook up with that night, and he’ll promptly bust into a conversation about how intriguing last night’s episode of Battlestar Gallactica was. He may be a great guy to hang out with, and he’ll contribute to the fraternity, but it may very well be a few Presidential terms before he reaches second base.

The Chick Magnet

No matter what, this guy always manages to get some at parties. You may be contemplating ways to approach a girl you want to hit on; right when you decide on a good way to break the ice, the chick magnet will walk by, say one word to the girl and off they go to his place. Due to his suave, sophisticated demeanor and devilish good looks, girls all around campus would happily wait in line to be another notch in his belt. Make no mistake; his flawless approach to picking up girls didn’t come naturally. From my experience, most chick magnets are cerebral when it comes to talking to girls. Before he starts a conversation, he knows exactly where it will go, and at what point he goes in for the kill. He may annoy fellow brothers by stealing the attention of most girls at a party, but they have no choice but to respect his skill when it comes to the ladies. “Damn, is he good,” his brothers think in unison as he departs a social with a girl in each arm.

The One With No Standards

Oh, boy. This bro simply must get some on weekends, no two ways about it. Even if the lovely young lady he’s spotted walking home bears a striking resemblance to an aquatic marine mammal. Unfortunately this brother was born with perpetual beer goggles, making his ability to spot attractive girls out from a crowd almost Ray Charles-esque. Every now and then a member of your fraternity will hook up with a fat girl; no harm in it. This can make for entertaining facebook pictures and provide the basis for witty jokes for weeks to come. Too many of these occurences, however, can be damaging to a fraternity’s reputation. If a brother consistently brings 200+ pound girls back to the house, one would have no choice but to assume that there’s a salt water tank in the chapter room. This guy may have plenty of redeeming qualities, but an ability to pick up good looking girls is certainly not one of them.

The Forgotten One

Poor, poor forgotten brother. He seems like a nice enough guy and gets along well with everyone, but he always seems to be out of the loop when it comes to fraternity events. Composite photo day? Everyone forgot to inform him. Group philanthropy event? Nowhere to be seen. Every now and then he pops into the house, and at once everyone remembers that he exists. Don’t get me wrong; he’s just as much a brother like everyone else. It’s just that you would often have to look at a group roster to remember ol’…what’s his name again?

The One Who Wears Cowboy Hats And Rides A Unicycle Everywhere

Alright, so this one isn’t as common. Seriously though, how awesome would it be if every fraternity had one of these guys?

The Really Odd One

This is a vague description, but there most definitely is the one member of every fraternity who strikes the other members as something of an oddity. This could be a result of any number of things. Maybe he looks like an animal (owls and ferrets, I would imagine could be quite common), perhaps his room is about as big as a closet, sits in odd positions while listening to fanfare music, or he has really bizarre obsessions with amateur wrestling. Whatever the case, he’ll often say or do remarkably off-putting acts, leaving everyone confused and scared for their general well-being.

The One Who Always Gets Into Crazy Adventures

The Way I see it, one of the more worthwhile experiences of fraternity life are the stories told by your fellow brothers. Weekends often lead to questionable and hilarious instances, which typically lead to awesome stories. However, there’s one brother who always winds up one-upping your experiences just because his are so awesome. In the middle of your story about how you got ejected from your club softball game, he interjects casually with a story about how over the weekend he stole a tractor from a local farmhand, and had 6 warrants out for his arrest in neighboring counties. Wow, excellent stuff, crazy adventures bro. I’m sure now everyone cares about how I dropped an “f-bomb” on our umpire in that softball game.

The Wise One

These brothers take more of a father role in this fraternity. Though in the grand scheme of things he’s just a senior in college, this guy has seen some things. He’s been around the block once or twice, and knows how the world works. If you’re about to do something stupid to give the fraternity a bad name, he’ll give you an earful about it. Going through a rough break-up? He’s the one to go to; after all, he’s likely experienced the same thing and now has sage advice. Think of him as your fraternity’s own Yoda; after all many of these wise bros are, in fact, small wrinkled and disfigured (well, perhaps not, but that would be pretty sweet). Wise brothers are invaluable, and often are the glue that holds fraternities together (how’s THAT for a cliche’ analogy!).

As you know, Albany is a crazy party school, especially partying with the frat kids.  This is a story about my freshman year at Albany and going to my first frat party. It just happens that a lot of kids that I went to high school with also went to University of Albany.  So having an in with all of the frats and sororities was pretty easy.  The first weekend up at school, one of the frats was having a huge kick off bash to open the new school year.

Is this Heaven?

When I arrived, it was more than I expected.  Backyard filled with 6 kegs, Gatorade containers filled with Jungle Juice, and hundreds of jello shots.  Sorority girls lined up in the hottest outfits! All that ran through my head was “man I love college already.”  I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t still dreaming.

As you can imagine, I was like a fat kid in a candy shop, plenty of liquor, beer pong, flip cup, and girls, “man this is the life.”  The rest of the night was a blurr, but I was filled in the next day, when I woke up from my coma  in the afternoon, sharpied and all.

Aftermath:

My roommate wasn’t a happy camper and pretty much woke me up ready to beat the shit out of me. I was grabbing sorority girls asses, talking shit to juice heads, fell down a flight of stairs, pretty much everything possible to be that asshole at the party.  Luckily, I new a bunch of people there, which was the only reason why I didn’t get my ass kicked that night.

The best part of the whole thing is when I finally made it back to my dorm room.  I got up from my bed to take a piss, but instead of making it to the toilet, (which was right outside my bedroom door), I dropped trousers and starting pissing on my roommate who was sound asleep on the bottom bunk.  He apparently woke up mid-stream to a Golden Shower!!  I apparently pissed all over his comforters, sheets pillows, etc.

After I was done, I somehow made it back to the top bunk and woke up to one pissed off roommate.

Man what a start to college!