We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: comedy is for suckers. But you know what is decidedly not for suckers: SCIENCE! So we weren’t going to post this video that is described as “The Funniest Joke Ever Told in the History of the Universe” until we saw that it was a literal fact proven by scientific methods!

In fact, there’s really little left to say other than to show said joke. To science!

Best part? Easily the “Irrational Fear of Benevolent and Innocent Animals.”

You Got RickRolled…

We’ve all had the pleasure (or displeasure) of getting rickrolled.  Well, did you ever wonder where it came from?  Here is a brief infographics explaining the orgin of rickrolling.

Via: Online MBA

You are a terrible person. You like to go on sites and watch people fall down and get hurt and humiliate themselves to no end. It’s cool…we’re terrible, too. Indulge yourselves ladies and gentleman, with the invisible curb. Bwuahahaha! They never saw it coming. Poor civilians.

EMBED-The Invisible Curb – Watch more free videos

It’s not even Summer and already shit is hitting the fan in the year 2010. In particular Golf’s greatest asset, Tiger Woods, came under fire for having an affair. All I can say is watch that episode of South Park, because they hit the nail on the head perfectly. You mean to tell me…that when a man’s rich and famous he’ll use these things to have sex with as many women as possible?! Genius. Here’s some things he’s taught us already.

SEXTING CAN BE USED AGAINST GUYS TOO

I haven’t received any sext messages sadly, but just like possession of crack or a loaded firearm, they’re dangerous. Tiger should’ve dumped all the pics onto his computer, or if he was real smart he would’ve just not gotten caught. But hey everyone makes mistakes.

DON’T CHEAT IF YOUR GIRL KNOWS HOW TO SWING A CLUB

Men use Golf as an excuse to get away from their significant others, but when they can drive a ball just as far/farther than you, it’s time to re-evaluate your life. Mr. Woods may be Golf’s greatest, but he should’ve opted for a woman who thought a Birdie was just that.

GIRLS HAVE BIG MOUTHS

This one is pretty obvious too. Sorry ladies, but if you have a secret you’d literally have to be killed before you tell it to as many people as possible. I can easily picture a girl saying “Oh and I shouldn’t even be saying this but..” If you shouldn’t be saying it, then why are you yappin’? We’re looking at you Jaimee Grubbs.

DENY UNTIL YOU DIE

If you did something wrong and no one caught you, would you admit to doing it? Well I do hear that if you murder someone sometimes you feel so guilty you have to tell someone, but this is different. Even though there was evidence of his affairs, so maybe this isn’t a good lesson. Well no, it is. Deny it. And have affairs with women who will be discreet.

DON’T GET CAUGHT

M i rite? If you’re going to do some dirt, make sure you’ve got all your bases covered. It doesn’t mean much to the common folk like you and I, but for a celebrity (and as we’ve seen) scandals like this can make or break your life. Probably not for Woods though, he’s going to be in the Masters and he’s probably going to destroy everyone else. He may not be the greatest ever, but his stats speak for themselves.

Well gentleman, I’m up for a round of mini putt putt. Who’s got the Arnold Palmer? I’ve got the sweater vests and dozen mistresses.

Ah, March Madness. The Big Dance. “Ye Olde Collegiate Men’s Basketball Tourney,” as the young people are fond of saying. The act of 64 NCAA Division 1 men’s basketball teams doing battle with one another in a prolonged tournament for the shot of earning the title “National Champions.”

Many fans consider this event the pinnacle of the athletic calendar; the most exciting of sports competitions. I don’t think it’s rude to say that I consider these people to be complete and utter morons and an immeasurable drain on our society as we know it. While the fun of saying “Saint Mary’s really got railed in the elite eight,” is undeniable, the fact of the matter is that March Madness sucks a big one, and you’re wasting your time if you make brackets, watch the games, or care that Butler (does anyone actually go to this school?) is in the final four. Come along with me as I’ll outline exactly why this is, on a magical journey I like to call “college sports blow donkey dick road!”

The NBA Is On At The Same Time

I’m not too sure if you die hard March Madness fanatics are aware, but this league called the “National Basketball Association” airs games at the very same time as your rinky dink tournament. That’s right; featuring bonafide studs who get paid to do nothing but ball like there is no tomorrow! Multi-million dollar athletes who exclusively play basketball in their awesome lives; no shop class for these REAL men! The 6th man on some lame team like the “Murray State Racers” (a team name about as intimidating as a desk lamp, just for the record) is probably just some creative writing major or something equally useless. Meanwhile, the worst player on a really terrible NBA team (take the Minnesota Timberwolves, for example) is Darko Milicic, who is so ballin’ that at the age of 18, NBA executive board members took note of how beast he was and drafted him. And he was playing in Yugoslavia. Do you have any idea how far away that is? Like, at least 7 or 8 hours on an airplane. While the silly “final four” tournament ensues, the final games of the precious NBA season are being played out! While you were busy watching a college game being decided late in the 2nd half, you probably missed Josh Smith of the Atlanta Hawks clinching his team’s play-off spot with a game winning slam dunk. Following the game, Smith told reporters “wasn’t that like the coolest thing ever? Where are you going to find that in stupid mediocre college hoops? Absolutely nowhere.” Whether he actually said this or I just made it up is completely irrelevant; the point stands that the NBA is infinitely more entertaining than the NCAA.

Nobody Cares About “Crazy Upsets!!!”

So Murray State pulled a huge upset over Vanderbilt? Saint Mary’s overcame the incredible odds and defeated Villanova? Tennessee shocked Ohio State? This would all be well and good if these so called “insane upsets!” didn’t happen all the time. Remember that time when there was a full NCAA men’s basketball tournament and every single higher ranked team beat all of the lower ones? You don’t, because it never happened. There’s upsets, and teams winning that shouldn’t have in every tournament in college basketball history. So why cause a commotion when Cornell beats Temple? It’s just the nature of these tournaments playing out as they always do; pardon me while I let out a resounding “BORRRRRRING.”

The other obnoxious component to this are the tiresome cliches announcers spew during these upset games. “This team just showed up to the arena and wanted it more!” Really? Wow, that right there is some un-conventional, out of the box wisdom! The Georgetown Hoyas lost to the Ohio Bobcats in the first round because they didn’t want it enough; case closed. It’s not at all the fact that other factors played into the game, and Georgetown’s best players were having off nights. Nope, they just collectively didn’t care, those apathetic jerk-offs! Good thing you aren’t someone paid copious amounts of money to deliver actual analysis on sporting events! BARF.

Brackets

I don’t know about you, but one question I’ve been asked ad nauseam this month from friends is “how are your brackets doing?” To which I reply “I didn’t fill one out, and if you ask me that question again I will kidnap one of your family members.” Brackets, as a concept, are completely pointless. The teams that you are making these daring gambles on have already been ranked in seed format. Duke has a high ranking because they have an exceptionally good team, and a school like Wofford has a lower ranking because they suck and “Wofford” is a make believe word. So with the knowledge of these rankings, you’re not filling your bracket out based on first hand knowledge of the teams; you’re merely re-arranging these rankings in your own stupid little way, not unlike a mentally challenged child playing connect four.

On top of that, my facebook news feed has been clogged with “well there goes my bracket!!” related posts. To these people I say: if you didn’t have the foresight to predict even the most mild upsets in your tournament, you shouldn’t have access to the internet or be able to re-produce. A brief point, I’ll admit, but I like to think that it’s valid.

Dick Vitale

Those who have heard this old person launch spittle through their television set know exactly what I’m talking about. For those fortunate ones who haven’t heard of Dick Vitale, he’s a 97 year old World War 1 veteran who was hired to exclaim nonsensical phrases ending in “baby!” or “trifecta!” while the viewer at home contemplates the benefits of stabbing their ears repeatedly with a rusty knife. I’ll say this much; as a lowly college student, I have no choice but to acknowledge and be cognizant of Vitale’s career success. He’s been a fame broadcaster for decades, been the subject of a video game nobody’s bought or heard of, and coached a year in the NBA. It needs to be said, however, that anyone named “Dick” who has written at least two books with the word “baby” in the title which aren’t about child care is almost certainly a pedophile and should probably be incarcerated just for precautionary measures.

Obnoxious School Pride

This reason may be a bit controversial due to my circumstances; attending Ohio University, a school that takes great pride in having beat the Georgetown Hoyas in the first round of this year’s NCAA Tournament. I can’t stand, however, the way students of successful college teams take credit for their team’s success. The team you follow probably busted their asses during the regular season to improve, and merely reach a level where they can earn a spot in the NCAA Tournament. Yet when they win suddenly it becomes “we did it!!!” Really? Let’s just go ahead and put ourselves completely on the level of people who have worked hard to earn distinctions for themselves. Hey guys, remember in 1969 when “we” all collectively walked on the moon for the first time? And remember how sweet it was in 1874 when we invented the telephone? Man, “we” are seriously awesome and not total douchebags in the slightest!

Well, that’s enough ranting for me. Soon enough the Final Four will be done with, and some highly anointed college studs will turn into unmitigated NBA flops the likes of which we’ve seen time and time again (Adam Morrison and J.J. Redick, anyone?). Next year while you’re filling out your brackets and talking about how Ohio State has a chance to go all the way, I’ll be following spring training news, napping, watching paint dry and grass grow; heck, anything more worthwhile than the NCAA Tournament. And one thing’s for damn sure; Dick Vitale won’t be yelling at me while I do any of those.

Heads up: This piece of from Playboy’s underrated PlayboyU Channel.

By John DeVore

After 112 semesters of college, we know what we’re talking about when it comes to failing miserably at hooking up with the ladies. Learn from our mistakes, gentlemen. All you have to do is the opposite of these sage, hard-won tips, and you’ll be the campus ’Nanny Master.

10. Stack Your Facebook Page with Douchenozzle Pics

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: First of all, make sure you don’t have more pictures than you do friends. Secondly, make sure those pictures aren’t of you A) flashing gang signs, B) holding up a fan of cash money or C) lifting your shirt to reveal your six-, three- or no-pack. Lastly, if you have more than one picture of you heaving a giant bottle of vodka like a mighty scepter, then you might want to discover the delete function. It goes without saying that your MySpace page should not have been updated at all since you were 14.

9. Lock Yourself in Your Dorm Room

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: The first step to meeting women is to actually go out and meet them. Every great journey begins with one step and that is out the door. There is always that one guy who’s texting BFF Mommy about his new “experiences,” or is nobly committed to his Call of Duty 4 unit (thus neglecting his more important “unit”) or is crouching on his haunches in a dark corner, muttering about his “precious.” Not only does that guy not get any, he grows up to be that guy who collects baby doll heads and talks to his ferrets.

7. Reek Like Ass Jam and/or Mythological Beasts

6. Pass Out and Become a Human Canvas

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: Another way to never, ever crunch it with any human female is to publicly pass out and have an amateur Picasso decorate your grill with crude drawings of penises and testicles. Sadly, allowing yourself to wake up adorned with kaknbawls scrawled in Sharpie all over you does not a positive impression make. But you know this to be true. And if you don’t, then you’re in good company. The world is full of 22-year-old virgins who were known as “Sack Face” back in school.

5. Give Off That “To Catch a Predator” Vibe

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: Did she just glance over at you? Wait, twice? Is it because she thinks you’re cute, or is it because you’ve spent the past hour drilling holes in the back of her head with your supremely creepy rapey eyes? The answer is she’s terrified of you, and with good reason. Your social skills need some tweaking, son. Women do not like to be molested by drooling, emotional cripples and their X-ray vision. Get a grip. You’ll have a better chance of getting laid if you stare blankly at the wall.

4. They are not figurines, they are action figures

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: Congratulations, she came back to your place! The futon sheets are basically clean. Death Cab for Cutie is playing on iTunes. The incense is lit. Wolverine and the Joker have both been dusted, and sit prominently on…oh, come on, dude. They’re dolls, not collector’s items. She sees those, the next thing she’s imagining is you sitting in your tighty whiteys, playing with your tiny super people and giving them serious, macho voices. At the very least, buy a velvet-lined oak chest so you can store your little friends, if just for a night.

3. Projectile vomit during beer pong

Why This Won’t Get You Laid: You have proven your social worth with feats of amazingness. Truly, you are the Chuck Liddell of Beer Pong. But your pre-game of Gatorade and grain didn’t sit well with the Noah’s flood of beer you were quaffing. So now you’re a swamp donkey. The thick rope of vomit you then magically pulled out of your mouth might win you a prize with the other doddering piles of drunken humanity cheering you on, but the ladies? Not so much. Unless you plan on making out with a chick who likewise has a mouth full of dinner.

Spring Break is a time for all of us to kick back relax and let loose. School’s had us locked up for too long! Time to get out there and party! Fortunately and unfortunately, there are just some things you can’t avoid…

1. Getting Wasted

I mean let’s be real here. It’s Spring Break. If you DON’T get completely destroyed during Spring Break you’re obviously not relaxing at your full potential. Whether it be beer liquor or some other concoction that was brewed in a basement, Spring Break is open season on our livers. But then again so is every holiday.

2. Getting Baked

Pretty much the same thing as number one, but applies to marijuana. My first spring break freshman year of college, I was taking a piss and a guy walked up to me and literally put a lit joint in my mouth. While I thanked him and we got high, I probably should have asked him did he wash his hands. Or if the joint was laced with anything but hey, I’m still alive.

3. Run Ins With the Law

If you’re well versed in the art of drinking and smoking (especially in public places) expect to have a conversation with your “friendly” neighborhood police officers. Cops live for vacations for the public because 9 times out of 10 on any given day you can see some poor bastard getting handcuffed, albeit he’s not wearing any pants.

4. Getting Laid

For the scores of men that were successful, congratulations. For the ones that weren’t, keep trying. Girls want to get busy as much as guys do, and when the final class lets out of school inhibitions are a thing of the past. Maybe just for that week, but everyone wants to get lucky.

5. A Hangover

There isn’t much of an explanation to this one. Sunny weather + alcohol + drugs + no homework = a monster headache the next morning. Remember kids, moderation is key!

While Spring Break only comes around once a year, it’s a magical and special time for everyone who doesn’t have a job/college kids. Cherish it, because when we graduate it’s work work work.

Having a sense of humor sounds like something everybody should have.  After all, everybody does laugh.  However, we want you to be the guy who can be in a room with Jesus and Satan, or a priest and a rabbi, a hooch and a prude, and still be able to entertain all parties involved.  Like this:

V. DEVELOP YOUR STYLE

It’s that simple. Watch comedians and look at how they view life, and try to emulate their style. The cast from Superbad is funny, but they are not the same type of funny that Jim Carrey is.  Ari Gold is hysterical, but not the way that the guys from the Hangover are.  Don’t steal jokes, because look what happened to Carlos Mencia. Where homey been?

IV. THE DELIVERY

While you’re reading this your brain is probably generating the proper inflections and putting the correct stresses on syllables to make the sentences sound correct (and you thought I was dumb, didn’t you?).  When telling jokes, delivery can make the difference between telling a joke about anal rape, and losing all of your friends that have vaginas. It all depends on how you tell the joke. If it’s a dark humored joke, try to tell it like a really funny joke and vice versa.

We are not the biggest fans of Dane Cook, but we do give him props for his delivery. Pay attention to how he presents:

III. SARCASM VS. OPTIMISM

While this may sound strange both mindsets are key to developing a better sense of humor. If someone’s being a twat to you try to comeback sarcastically. Make them look like the idiot, because half the time if someone’s trying to shit on you it’s because they aren’t funny or are just having a bad day.

Optimism is used to lighten the mood in tense situations, which can go either very good or very bad. Once again, show restraint. Don’t overuse sarcasm though, because then you’ll look like a sourpuss. The best type of sarcasm is thinly veiled sarcasm that’ll go over someones head.

II. DON’T OVERDO IT

Being funny is cool. Being funny most of the time is even cooler. But when you try to make a joke out of every sentence someone says, you’re an asshole.  There are certain times to be funny, and trying to prove your best friend’s dead grandma’s promiscuity at her funeral isn’t one of them. Learn to show restraint because not every person is as tolerant as you.

I. STOP CARING

If you want to learn how to dish it out, you’re going to have to learn how to take it. Humor is all about making people laugh, even if it’s at your expense. The best thing to do when someone takes a shot at you,
is of course to retaliate. No, don’t kick the shit out of him, but have a witty comeback handy. The key here is not to sit at home and think of jokes, because they will almost always sound rehearsed, and unfunny.
In any conversation there’s always room to make jokes and nuances that will have your audience rolling. Just wait for the right moment, because when it happens….you’ll know. But seriously you’ll know, something
will just click in your head and you’ll either pull it off perfectly or fail. There is no try. Do or do not.