If you don’t have a facebook, well congratulations. You still have a soul. For the vast majority of us that DO have a facebook however, there’s always the slew of friends we all have:
1. The Person Who Updates Their Status EVERY.FUCKING.MINUTE.
What’s even better is when they update their status with the same status they had three minutes ago. No one commented on it then, no one’s going to comment on it now. Consider twitter. But then again if you aren’t famous, who gives a flying fuck?
2. The Couple Who Air Their Dirty Laundry
If you happen to be friends with a couple who break up, it’s like watching a train wreck (or the The Matrix: Revolutions). Gauntlets are thrown, tempers flare, and you just sit back and watch your live feed become engulfed in petty flames. No point to put them out though, this is quality entertainment. You get to see how low some people will stoop to get the last laugh.
3. The Guy/GirlWho Refers to Every Social Gathering as a “Shit Show”
This photo was used because it literally is a shit show. On a personal note, this alliterative phrase irks the hell out of me. There was alcohol. Someone threw up. A girl got pissed on (true story; sadly I had to work that night). We get it. What’s worse is that the people who use this phrase are common repeat offenders, and a lot of the times several people were at the same party, so you get to look at the same party from six different angles!
4. The Girl/Guy Who Uploads Obscene Amounts of Photos. Every weekend.
This portrait was comprised entirely of dots. The dots are a metaphor for the amount of photos these people have. How they manage to take over one hundred pictures at ONE party is beyond my realm of comprehension and caring. They have (literally) thousands of pictures, and most of them are taken in the same place within five minutes of each other. The worst part about these pictures, is that everyone and their grandma is tagged and it results in your live feed being cluttered and clogged with arbitrary comments and photos that you aren’t in.
5. The Person Who Constantly Sends You Farmville Invites
If I didn’t accept your first four invitations, what makes you think I’ll cave in and accept the fifth one? I actually read a report that if you played Farmville and signed a petition for free farmville cash, you were signing a petition against public option healthcare. Even if you decline the invites, you’re subjected to all those god damn notifications. “(Person you don’t give a fuck about) found a lonely pink (animal) on their farm! Oh No!” No thanks.
6. The Asshole Who WantsYou To Join a Group So Their Dad Will Stop (some self destructive act)
The only real problem I have with these people is how conceited and selfish they are. You want me to join a group so your DAD will stop smoking/drinking/ killing hookers? How selfish is that? Maybe your dad enjoys lung clogging cancer sticks. Maybe you should stop being such a pussy and clean up his vomit when he passes out from downing Johnny Walker. Maybe you’re lucky your dad is strangling hookers, and not you and your infant brother. The world does not revolve around you, and neither does my emotions.
7. The Person Who Complains About Politics
For every ten people that agree with you on politics, there are infinitely more who don’t give a fuck. Voicing your opinion is perfectly honest, but when you’re complaining about President Obama’s current performance in the White House in the form of note so long and detailed a stenographer would off themselves , it’s just insipid. At the end of the day no amount of bashing and pissing and moaning will satisfy you. He is still the President of The U.S.A. You are not. Q.E.D. I will admit though, I am guilty of patronizing Obama. Only because he hasn’t decriminalized marijuana yet, and can you really argue with that? No.
8. The Tough Guy/Girl
Yeah, I bet you are hankerin’ to kick the shit out of that asshole who bumped into you at the bar last night. Sure you’re upset, but do you really need to threaten people on Facebook? Unless you follow through, consider keeping your trap shut. What’s even better is when you see two people pick at each other on facebook, making wild ass threats and promises to kill someone’s parents or something. Yeah chief, internets. serious business.
9. The Girl (or God forbid Guy) whoo TalKS LYkkk DIzzzz
In an effort to look hip and stand out, they end up looking like a complete fuckin’ tool. In the time it took U 2 TTTttttyP DIzz, EYe CULd haF- I can’t do it anymore. It’s a bastardization of 13375p33|< (leetspeek if you dont have mad skillz like me… or a loser) and it’s ten times worse. I can read leetspeek, but this form of typing should cease to exist.
10. The Girl Who’s Too Young For You
God damn, that bitch has some DD’s! You’re browsing through her photos, and you see she likes to get shitty at parties and take slutty ass pictures. You friend request her and she approves it. Yes! You’re one step closer to hitti- wait what? (local high school) class of 2012? Fuck. Not only is she graduating high school after you graduate from college, but the world may end in 2012 so she’s doubly fucked.
Bonus: The Person Who Uses Facebook For It’s Original Purpose: To Stay In Touch With Friends
This person is awesome because they aren’t a complete dickwad on the computer. They have cool status updates that are usually funny or speak the truth, and they don’t clog your live feed with superfluous bullshit. We wish every friend was like this.
LIKE MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK: CHECK THIS OUT…
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